Broken Cage, Painful Memories & Forgotten Dreams

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Relentlessly repeative recklessness

A week ago today I swallowed 100 tablets alongside gin & vodka. A combination of aspirin, paracetamol and ibuprofen. An attempt to no, not kill myself but to seriously damage my internal organs, to cause pain beyond relief. I don’t think I grasped the severity of the situation until I was admitted to hospital for two nights to undergo treatment- an unbelievably frightening experience but will it stop me again? To be completely honest I have no idea ‘coz I had no idea I was even capable of being that low or for me “brave” enough to go through with the incessant thoughts. A few accidental but ashamed whispers later and the psychiatric team looked the other way… 
& today? The nauseous feeling of loneliness intertwined with the dreaded stomach churning sadness I felt exactly a week ago unapologetically attacks my insides. A burning desire to repeat the events of last Tuesday or at least walk into oncoming traffic tears me apart. And here I am in the same room at the same time, alone but there’s a difference- I’m not dying and there isn’t any hope. I’m lost and I can’t seem to save myself. The events were not a cry for help, they were an attempt to kill the monster that lives inside me

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